


Betrayal

by Rikerbabe



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 06:24:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9422390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikerbabe/pseuds/Rikerbabe
Summary: Deanna's thoughts and memories of her deception to Will about her inability to have children





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was a hard one to write, but I felt like this would have come up in their relationship. I know I might have gotten some of the stuff written wrong, but I wrote out to the best of my abilities.
> 
> If I did get some things wrong, forgive me.
> 
> As always, your feedback is welcomed....Thank you for being patient while I was gone for a spell after losing my soul mate...

“I'm sorry” That should be the two easiest words to say, but it isn't. I made a mess of everything and now, there's no going back. Will told me that he would be moving out of our house, and taking an apartment in San Francisco where he would be able to work at Starfleet Headquarters. I could keep the house or sell it, it didn't matter to him. Our marriage was over...If only this was a nightmare, a bad dream......

 

_Six months earlier_

“Deanna?” Will's voice was soft, as he came into our bedroom as I was curled up on the bed. “Hey, honey....talk to me, let me know what I can do..” He stroked my hair, as I cried silent tears of pain. Shaking my head slightly, I curl up tighter wishing the pain in my body as well as my soul would cease. I lost our child.....The doctors didn't know why, but I lost the baby....our child. This had been our third attempt to start our family but like the last two tries, I miscarried. They had tried everything to make sure the fetus would be viable, but it was something in my blood that kept it from growing and thriving. The pain in my heart outweighed the pain in my body. How could I face Will or even my mother again? “Oh look, there Deanna Troi...she can't even carry a child to full term...” that would be the ridicule I would have to face. Dr Richardson had carried out the D&C that I needed after this last time. He would run tests to see what caused it and let us know what to expect if we tried again. I know Will was starting to lose patience with me, but he wasn't showing it. It has been seventeen years since we married in Alaska and then finally again on Betazed. By now, there should be at least two children and another one on the way. We had agreed on four children, at least two of them boys to continue the Riker family line. Now, there wouldn't be any children to carry on any family line. I had failed to produce what Will so desperately wanted. There was a child that was stillborn on the Titan, and that broke his heart. She was so beautiful....but somehow she died. Dr Ree had tried to save her, but he couldn't. Will held our daughter as I cried, the pain of losing her was too great to bear.

Will gave her to Dr Ree and held my hand, tears in his eyes as she was taken from the room. I stayed in Sickbay for several days, as my body was trying to compensate for her premature birth and death. Will tried to visit me when he could, but one could see the anguish in his eyes. Later I was released to return to our cabin, where I found the crib and other things for her had been removed. He never told me where he had those things taken, and I never asked him. As the weeks passed, we started to grow close again, like the way we were before. Will started to be once again the Will I knew and loved, and gradually we started talking about trying again. Then several days after that, Starfleet Command had recalled the Titan and promoted him to Admiral over his protests. He was allowed to keep the Titan as his flagship, and soon had a whole new routine to learn at Headquarters. We decided to buy a house in an old part of Seattle, and live there. The house was one of the old Victorian types that he used to show me in images from the late 20th and early 21st Centuries that he loved. I was happy that at least the children I would have would be born here on Earth, and they would have a large house to explore. I too would have new challenges to face as a Diplomatic Liaison to the Federation Council and Starfleet.

Then we found ourselves pregnant again..that should have been a happy time, but two months into the pregnancy, I miscarried a boy. Will and I were crushed, but we faced it better than what the doctors had hoped for. We were still young enough to have this happen, and go on to have a few more viable pregnancies. Tests were run and I got the results. But I never showed them to Will, wanting to keep the reasons to myself for now. I just didn't want to upset him with those results, not with all that both he and I were going through in our new posts. But there was another reason I didn't want him to see those results, and that gnawed on my conscience constantly. If he had read the report, I don't know what he would have done. The doctors told me that there was a factor in Will's DNA that didn't adapt to mine. I would be able to have children, but there would have to be another father, biologically and Will would only be the father in name only. I was torn between telling him and hoping he would understand, or not tell him and find a Betazoid male that was close enough for the resulting children to pass as Will's. After thinking this out for several days, I decided not to tell Will and instead told him that I needed to return to Betazed and see about my mother's house and the estates that made up the Fifth House. He agreed and I told him I would be gone for about two weeks, and then return. I left two days later, hoping and praying that nothing would go wrong with what I had in mind. 

The two weeks seemed to rush by me, and I returned back to Earth content that everything would go as planned. I felt nervous and guilty all at the same time, but there was no going back at this point. The one I found was similar to Will, but in the end he wasn't. Knowing that I could be possibly carrying another man's child and passing it off as Will's was frightening to me. I know my mother would be furious at what I was doing, if she was still alive. I just prayed that this pregnancy would go to full term and the child would look enough like Will. However, only two and half months into this one I felt sick and weak suddenly at Headquarters and passed out. Coming to, I was in the Academy Hospital and there a doctor told me that I had miscarried my child. I felt a hand on my forearm and it was Will, who had rushed to the hospital to be with me. The worry in his eyes were overwhelming and I blinked back tears, trying not to cry. The doctor had left us alone, and Will gently held my hand trying not to frighten me. “They're running tests again....we should know something by tomorrow morning. Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?” Will's voice was strained from worry and grief, yet again. I shook my head and he stayed until visiting hours were over, leaving for our house in Old Seattle. Once I knew he left, I gave over to the tears and cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning Will came to see me and I turned my head away when he entered the room. I didn't want to see him and wished that he would leave. But Will came and sat there, holding my hand and trying to smile as if to raise my weary spirit. My mind was in a tailspin, trying to come to grips with what happened and what would come if Will was to ever find out what I had done. I knew that he would be hurt, angry and even yell at me. But the doctor only told us what we had heard before, that they didn't know why I lost the baby or if it would ever happen again. After three more days, I was allowed to leave the hospital and return to Old Seattle, but not to active duty yet. Once I arrived home I wandered the house while Will was at work. The hours were spent reading old holo-novels, writing to Beverly, and trying not cry. I poured out my heart, but not my secrets to her and for a few brief times she was able to visit me when the Enterprise was close to Earth. Beverly's visits were a relief not only to me, but also to Will. Will was able to see Jean-Luc and just talk, about anything and everything. Both Beverly and Jean-Luc's presence in those difficult weeks were greeted with a strong sense of normalcy to our lives. But, as I feared once they left it would return to normal and I dreaded that. 

A few months passed and once again I was pregnant...it should have been a happy time, but in the end it turned out to be a disaster that no one could have imagined. At the end of the eighth month, I went into labor and Will was there for the child's birth. It was a long, hard labor and after eighteen hours I finally gave birth to a son...the son that Will had longed for. We held him and for a few hours were very happy that at last we had our family. But four hours after his birth, Kyle rapidly became feverish and his heartbeat started to rise even faster that it should be. The doctors worked on him and not long after, little Kyle died in our arms. Will was the one to cry this time..after all of the heartbreak and the miscarriages, we finally had our son but lost him due to his heart being underdeveloped. My mind was in a tailspin as they took him from us and said they would need to perform an autopsy to determine the reasons why.

A few days later the report came back and that's when everything fell apart for Will and me. The report showed that his heart was enlarged due to a curious gene that wasn't present in Will's DNA nor mine. I tried to deflect Will's questions to me as I kept telling the doctor that it just wasn't possible. Will fell silent as I was speaking to the doctor and once we were alone, Will confronted me. He demanded to know what I was keeping from him. I couldn't answer, as he kept hounding me for the answer. Giving up, he left the room and was gone for at least two hours. I was afraid of what he would do, if he ever found out about the real reasons for my trips to Betazed. The next day the hospital released me and we went home. Will was silent the return trip to Old Seattle, and he ignored me as I tried to talk to him. My world was crashing down around me and I was the only one to blame. As the days dragged on, Will kept his distance and started sleeping in another room. The more I tried to speak to him, the more distant he became. I was confused and frightened at the thought of Will finding out and me having to face my disgrace at deceiving him.

I went into town to have lunch with a few friends that I had made at Headquarters, and Will was at home. The day had started out beautiful for this time of the year and I was happy for once. But while I was gone, there came a message that shouldn't have come. The one who had been the biological father contacted me, and Will had taken the call. I knew something was wrong when I came home because the lights were on in my study, and also in my bedroom. Hurrying into the house, I saw Will's suitcases in the living room and he was packing things in a few crates. He turned as I came in the room and I saw everything in his eyes.

I asked him where he was going, and he turned back to packing the things from his study. He didn't answer me and finally turned back to me. “Why, Deanna?” I stood there, blinking back a sudden rush of tears. “Why did you lie to me about the miscarriages? The sudden trips to Betazed?” He demanded, anger in his eyes and voice. “You could have told me this long before.....but you didn't. Your 'Betazoid' pride kept you from telling me the truth. If you had told me the truth, then this wouldn't be happening.” “Will...I” was all I could choke out, the tears slipping down my face. “Don't Deanna.....just.....don't” He replied, turning back to packing. “You can either keep the house or sell it....I'm not staying here any longer. You deceived me, hurt me, most of all LIED to me. I can't stay with someone who lies to me.” He said, slamming the lid of the crate down. I sank into a chair as he turned back towards me. “I loved you, Deanna....I trusted you, but only to be rewarded by you betraying me. Your.....donor called for you while you were out....I found the padds from the other miscarriages.....read them......I made sure to send copies to my files and my attorney. There's no way to lie about this anymore....You hurt me, and there can be no forgiving, no going back.” He walked out of the room as I sat there crying.

After a while, I heard him placing a call for this things to be picked up in the morning and he walked back to the room. Standing in the doorway, he took a deep breath. “My trunks will be picked up tomorrow morning. Everything else is of little value to me. The air car is coming for me. You can contact me through Headquarters.” I slowly got up and turned to face him...the man I loved....and betrayed. “Is there nothing I can do to convince you otherwise?” I asked him, my eyes burning and no doubt red. “No, Deanna. I can't stay with someone who lies to me.” There was the sound of the air car and Will turned away. “Goodbye, Deanna.” With that, he opened the door and picked up his two suitcases. I walked to the doorway and saw him get in the car. Without a look back, the air car rose into the air and was gone. Closing the door, I slumped against it crying until I couldn't cry anymore.

 

_One year later_

I got an surprise message on my terminal from Will and his new wife, Lara. They wanted to let me know that they just had the most beautiful little boy three days ago. They sent a holo-photo of them and the baby and they looked very happy. Smiling I read the message and silently thought that should have been me and Will. I was still at Headquarters, and living in what used to be our house in Old Seattle while Will and his new family were living on Starbase Epsilon Twenty-Three. Will was now a Vice-Admiral and Lara was the Starbase Chief Medical Officer. I hadn't remarried and kept to myself. Our old friends still called me and kept me in touch with him, but it just wasn't the same. Beverly and Jean-Luc had remained married and have since retired from Starfleet. I go occasionally to their home in France for holidays, and sometimes I travel to Betazed. But I can never forgive myself for what I did to Will.


End file.
